Trump Plans to End the War by Monday

If you thought Monday was the worst day of the week, Donald Trump is ready to change your mind. The US President has announced: at 10:00 a.m. he will call Vladimir Putin, then Vladimir Zelensky, and after that, he’ll set up a call with NATO. All for the sake of “ending the bloodshed,” which, according to him, costs five thousand soldiers’ lives on both sides every week.

It looks like Trump has decided to play geopolitical Superman again: to solve the bloodiest war in Europe since World War II in a single workday. Forget about UN Secretaries-General and multi-layered diplomacy: just a couple of calls and maybe a businesslike greeting in the style of “You’re fired!” will suffice.

Interestingly, the topics of conversation include not only the “bloodshed,” but also trade. It’s possible Trump plans to stop not just the shells, but also the duty-free export of American red Make Peace Great Again caps. Who knows, maybe this is a new kind of humanitarian aid?

After phone talks with the Ukrainian president, Trump promised a joint call with NATO representatives. The main thing here is not to mix up the numbers and accidentally call Burger King — after such conversations, an appetite could clearly kick in.

Trump is nothing if not optimistic: he hopes the day will be “productive,” a ceasefire will be reached, and the “very brutal war that never should have started” will finally end. The cherry on top — a blessing from God, without which, as we all know, any Monday turns into Friday the 13th.

It’s still unclear exactly how Trump intends to carry out his peacekeeping blitzkrieg, or whether the main players in this phone quest will even pick up. But judging by the scale of the task, we can at least expect a bit of a reset… or at least some new memes.