Our Homeland’s Smoke Is Sacred: Who Will Be the Next Pope—and What Do Asia, the Italians, and a Heated Chapel Have to Do With It

Today in the Vatican, the sacred marathon known to the world as the conclave has begun—133 cardinals in luxurious robes, with diplomas from Latin America and passports from Switzerland, have locked themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next CEO of the Catholic Church. Or, as they put it, “to pray in the Holy Father.”

🚬 Smoke Screen

White smoke is like a white flag in a poker game with the Holy Spirit.
So far, only black smoke from the chimney: a symbol of indecision, intrigue, and, likely, overheated coffee in Domus Sanctae Marthae.

But don’t be fooled: this theater of phantasmagoria is not just a spiritual watch.
This is the election of the century—with stakes higher than Elon Musk’s bets on DOGE.

🎩 Candidates in White

Pietro Parolin

An Italian diplomat running under the slogan: “Make the Vatican Italian Again.”
He has the support of the Roman Curia, a spotless suit, and—most importantly—the keys to every drawer in the Secretariat.

Luis Antonio Tagle

The Filipino favorite and papabile from Asia.
If you want a Pope with a social worker’s heart, vote Tagle. Catholics in Southeast Asia are already stocking up on fireworks.

Matteo Zuppi

The Vatican hipster and media-savvy peacemaker. Loves talking to journalists, attending interfaith tea parties, and quoting Francis faster than Twitter.

Pierbattista Pizzaballa

A name like a spell, a pedigree worthy of Indiana Jones. Patriarch of Jerusalem, he could become the first Pope who understands the Eastern Question without Wikipedia.

Péter Erdő

A conservative from Hungary. If the cardinals want to roll back reforms and return to 1623—he’s already got a tiara ready.

💼 Who’s Lobbying Whom?

— The Italians want to bring the papacy home: time to stop handing the keys to Rome to people with unpronounceable surnames.

— The Latin Americans dream of continuing Francis’s legacy, but without his love of interviews.

— The Asians ask not to ignore the fact that half of new Catholics now live between Manila and Mumbai.

— The Americans pretend they’re not lobbying, but Google Trends for “next pope betting odds” suggests otherwise.

🗳️ What Happens Next?

If, in the first couple of days, no one gets the coveted two-thirds of the votes, the real Catholic Game of Thrones begins. Negotiations, coalitions, secret notes in cassocks. Some say AI has gotten involved—but so far, only to sort ballots by font.

🔮 Our Prediction:

We’re betting on Pietro Parolin: he’s got the connections, experience, perfect Latin, and the keys to the coffee machine in the Sistine Chapel.
But if they want a surprise, expect Tagle: Asia will be happy, and Francis won’t be rolling in his grave.

For now—keep an eye on the chimney. The main thing is not to mix up the smoke mixture again, like in 1958. They elected a pope, but the smoke came out gray. Holy Photoshop to the rescue.