Spanish Quest: How to Beat the Cita and Survive in the Land of Okupas

Welcome to Spain—the land of sun, jamón, and endless bureaucratic quests. Here, foreigners face two main bosses:

1. Cita previa—an online appointment that’s harder to get than a Champions League final ticket.

2. Okupas—phantom tenants who can move into your apartment faster than you can buy bread.

🎭 Boss #1: The Cita

To get into immigration police, you must complete a ritual:

• Visit a website that looks like it was coded on Windows 95.

• Catch the moment when it’s not down.

• Survive the browser challenge: Chrome refuses, Safari spits, and Firefox sometimes kindly lets you in.

The result: instead of “civilized Europe,” it’s a fight for survival.
No wonder there’s a thriving black market for intermediaries selling appointments like tickets on the “black market.”

What to do?

• Try your luck early in the morning.

• Befriend Firefox.

• Know the number 060.

• If all else fails—find a trusted gestor (and get your wallet ready).

🎭 Boss #2: Okupas

Spain is the only country where someone can move into your home without asking, and evicting them is harder than divorcing a notary.

The police will shrug: “Well, now it’s only through the courts.” And the court… the court can take longer than your mortgage.

What to do?

• If you catch them in the first 48 hours—call the police immediately.

• Keep your property documents on hand.

• Otherwise—a lawyer, an attorney, and nerves of steel.

• Prevention: alarm system, watchful neighbors, and a healthy dose of paranoia mode.

🥁 Finale

Cita and okupas—two national quests that unite everyone: migrants and Spaniards alike.
The first can’t get their documents, the second fear losing their homes.
And the authorities? They pretend the problem doesn’t exist.

Maybe it’s easier this way: keep people slightly tense so they don’t relax too much under the sun.

✅ Recommendations:

• Want a NIE? Buy a lucky charm, open Firefox, and pray to the server.

• Afraid of okupas? Keep a suitcase with documents under your pillow and a friendly neighbor on standby.

• And most importantly—keep your sense of humor. Spain can survive anything except people without irony.