Trump in Nostalgia: Alcatraz Back in Fashion for Solitude Seekers

Donald Trump, a recognized master of surprises and intricate plots, has signed an order to reopen Alcatraz—the very same island bastion in San Francisco Bay whose grim walls once housed mafia kingpins and other “stars” of the criminal pantheon. Now, according to the president, American justice should be not only objective, but as spectacular as a good blockbuster.

Officially, it’s all about the chronic shortage of space in penitentiaries. Unofficially, it’s the clearly underestimated demand for the classics. “If Hollywood lives on remakes, why can’t we play at a sequel?” explained the president, known, among other things, as a connoisseur of the reality show genre.

The list of prospective residents is already in the works: particularly inventive tax geniuses, TikTok hackers, and fans of heated debates about election integrity are being discussed. Tours for tourists will apparently give way to online broadcasts, and security staff are promised a bonus for mental resilience.

Critics, however, warn: the next step could be bringing back Guantanamo as a summer camp for political opponents. But for now, the US is holding its breath—who will have the honor of becoming the first superstar of Alcatraz 2.0?

Then again, as wisely noted: history rarely repeats itself, but it’s always up for a satirical remake.