How to Rule the Universe Without Attracting the Attention of Orderlies

So, you’ve decided to take control of the Universe. Bravo! But, as practice shows, if you say this out loud, at best you’ll end up in a room with padded walls, and at worst—you’ll get comments on Pikabu. So today’s master class: how to become the lord of existence and still remain free.

Step 1: Don’t Call It “Ruling”

The word “universe” sounds alarming. Replace it with something simpler: “living space,” “organizational ecosystem,” or “dynamic information field.” This way, no one will suspect you of delusions of grandeur, since you’re just “optimizing processes in a multi-structural matrix.” And instantly—+100 IQ points on LinkedIn.

Step 2: The Universe Starts with the Coffee Machine

Remember, ruling the Universe isn’t about black holes, it’s about who controls the office coffee machine. That person sets the pace, rhythm, and water temperature. First, you influence the choice of capsules. Then—the meeting schedule. Then—the quantum state of Petya from accounting. By the way, Petya has long suspected you’re “up to something.”

Step 3: Explain Everything with Quantum Physics

If you’re serious about manipulating reality, speak in riddles. Use words like “superposition,” “entropy,” and “nonlocality.” When asked why you’re talking to the toaster, say that “it’s in a superposition between breakfast and consciousness.” The more confusion your answer causes, the closer you are to the truth.

Step 4: Don’t Start a Cult. Just a Telegram Chat

All great manipulators started with a fan club. But a cult is too loud. It’s better to create a “closed community of like-minded people” and post “fractal images received at moments of enlightenment.” In a month, you’ll have 173 subscribers, 12 of whom consider you a demigod, and one—a real god. The main thing is, make sure none of them are orderlies.

Step 5: Keep Your Tinfoil Hat in the Glove Compartment

Because one day, someone will finally ask: “Are you sure you’re okay?” At that moment, don’t pull out a manifesto. Better pull out some statistics. Show a chart. Explain that you simply have a “probabilistic flow management strategy.” People love numbers. Even if they’re made up. Especially if you show them in Excel.

Conclusion:

Ruling the Universe is easy. Not arousing suspicion is hard. The main thing is to maintain ironic seriousness, speak in riddles, befriend the toaster, and remember: true power is the ability to look normal while the whole world plays by your rules.