Trump Demands the Constitution Straighten Its Hair: Budget Only for the Smoothly Styled!

Just as American education caught its breath after the reforms, Donald Trump jumped out from under the desk — and yanked the hair dryer out of the beauty schools’ socket. The President suddenly promised: anyone who doesn’t recolor their curriculum to MAGA (“Make America Glamorous Again”) standards will be left without shampoo and funding.

According to Donald John, you can spot a true patriot by the trajectory of her ultrablonde curl, the density of her spray tan, and a French manicure reminiscent of the Texas flag — if you look in a crooked mirror. But smokey eyes, rainbow brows, and creative hair? That’s basically a one-way ticket to moral entropy.

“America stands not on oil, but on the volume of hairspray on its women!” Trump proclaimed to the crowd, skillfully sidestepping questions about the fate of barbers. Suspicion is already in the air, along with the scent of hairspray.

Experts warn: if the law passes, beauty school graduates might be mistaken for aliens — by their styling, makeup, and patriotic tear running together with their mascara.

Meanwhile, stylists are storming warehouses of hair color encyclopedias and 80s courses. Anyone who doesn’t fit into MAGA will be left with nothing but beans and no federal glitter.